I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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