you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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