Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
