I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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