I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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