What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
