i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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