Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
