I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
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Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
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Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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