my phone needs a breathalizer
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
