My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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