i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
