When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize