her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
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