I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
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I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
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We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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