Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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