I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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