i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
