Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
