made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
