I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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