My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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