i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
