the condom got lost in my hair
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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