I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
