I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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