Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
