wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
