On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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