Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i think i just lost a toe
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
