It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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