I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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