the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
