I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
