Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
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This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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