I just saw a hot homeless man
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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