I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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