We're like a lot better than the average bears
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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