She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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