I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
