Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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