I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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