that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize