So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I did not marry a roomba.
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