girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
