don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
