She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
