I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Dicks are not precious.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
