Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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