i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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