Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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