No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
