So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
