I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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