I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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