she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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