I just cut my nipple shaving
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
